It's a new year -- recap a little of 2010's thoughts and now.

I don't know what to think sometimes. 2010 was a year of highs but it also was a year that ended in some personal lows. With the death of Jade, it really opened up my eyes at how truly our lives can be taken. Here and there I find myself thinking about her and I shed a little tear and there. I'm still a little upset about being fired from Island Fresh too. I really don't know why I took that job for granted and I remember even thinking that I shouldn't do that. But here I am, jobless and looking for job; filling up applications and trying to get interviews going. So far, I only had one and even that I'm not sure how I fare. It's as if these days, I don't really care...I feel stuck and just procrastinating and just regretting about alot of things I should have taken care of when I was younger. Do I really feel that old? I'm only 27 years old for crying out loud. I'm somewhat stumped as to where I'm going with my relationship with Jessie and have no idea how to voice my concerns to him. He just seems so busy and I feel so inadequate in what I have to offer to him. I don't have a job, I don't have a car, I don't have savings, I don't even have a driver's license. I don't have alot of anything going for me. There's alot of the word, I, in this post and its sickening me. I'm depressed and I don't really know how to muster the courage to just take one step in the front door. I wish I had someone by me who can give me the encouragement and faith and patience to do well. There's times when I just want to run away from it all...I don't know, join the AirForce and just be by myself but then the thought of me being so alone and isolated scares me. I feel like the world is moving forward and I'm being left behind like a scared child in the dark. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be constantly thinking about how I'm not living life and spending sleepless nights just sullying way. Time and life doesn't wait for no one so why am I so scared?! At what point in my life did I become this way?! People say I'm smart and that I'm strong willed because I'm so good at hiding my insecurities but the truth is, I don't know myself at all.

This year should be about starting over and with the death of a friend/former co-worker in the midst of a paddling practice, I feel like I did when I found out Jade was gone -- a pitiful feeling in my stomach and the one song from Carrie Underwood I repeatedly play. Let God show mercy to those who need it and to save and grant salvation for the ones who truly ask for it whole-heartedly. I want to get my license. I want to become independent and help around the household. I can drive mother on her errand runs and I wouldn't mind doing so.