Wind of luck is blowing at me...!

It's been a pretty lousy start to the year and for the next couple of months I would be unemployed and trying the best of my luck to find an actual job. I was close to gaining one at the Bank of Hawaii but alas, it didn't turn out well as I was not suited for the job - that was in February. So I had to swallow my pride and ask family and friends for a little assistance in paying for some monthly bills. Suffice to say, I was at a low point as I saw myself dwindling in hopes of escaping this situation. Luckily, it also got me to look for answers spiritually and while it took some leap of faith and prayers on my side to just wish for some good news, it was answered by a fellow witness to our congregation to lead me towards some luck via Duty Free Shopping. Although I turned in other various applications before DFS, I actually was leaning towards this company mainly because there business model was great, I did absolutely well in both interviews and a week later, I was just informed that I was chosen. Albeit, it is a part time position for the Gucci department, I was glad and I think our Heavenly Father for answering some of my prayers. I'm just ecstatic that I get to work, pay off these debts, start saving and of course give my time to the congregation and also pay back debts to the friends and family members I loaned from. I was also reading a great blog from a Facebook friend of mine and it got me thinking that all it takes is a little positivity and perhaps a little bit of risk taking to turn your self from a spectator in life to actually active in it - thanks David Robert.

LIfe's becoming dreadfully awfully silenced.

I seriously need some kind of counseling or psychiatrist to talk to. I feel as if the world's moving and I'm stuck in the same place in time. I'm going through life like its all a blur, not accomplishing anything, no one person who really understands me emotionally or even someone to empathize me. People tried or attempted but they end up assuming something else. I'm usually good in expressing myself with words but there's this feeling thats inside me that I can't quite put into words and it eats me away. I keep going forth with a non-chalant attitude and a smile but its becoming apparent that time is not going to be on my side. I haven't gotten a job yet, haven't done anything in terms of obtaining my license (with only less than 3 months before the permit expires) and I still haven't proved to anyone just how much I want to be on my own....bills here, sorrow there, I'm here now but the person I'm seeking to be is years into the future. Someone help me please....the darkness is beginning to overshadow the light.

It's a new year -- recap a little of 2010's thoughts and now.

I don't know what to think sometimes. 2010 was a year of highs but it also was a year that ended in some personal lows. With the death of Jade, it really opened up my eyes at how truly our lives can be taken. Here and there I find myself thinking about her and I shed a little tear and there. I'm still a little upset about being fired from Island Fresh too. I really don't know why I took that job for granted and I remember even thinking that I shouldn't do that. But here I am, jobless and looking for job; filling up applications and trying to get interviews going. So far, I only had one and even that I'm not sure how I fare. It's as if these days, I don't really care...I feel stuck and just procrastinating and just regretting about alot of things I should have taken care of when I was younger. Do I really feel that old? I'm only 27 years old for crying out loud. I'm somewhat stumped as to where I'm going with my relationship with Jessie and have no idea how to voice my concerns to him. He just seems so busy and I feel so inadequate in what I have to offer to him. I don't have a job, I don't have a car, I don't have savings, I don't even have a driver's license. I don't have alot of anything going for me. There's alot of the word, I, in this post and its sickening me. I'm depressed and I don't really know how to muster the courage to just take one step in the front door. I wish I had someone by me who can give me the encouragement and faith and patience to do well. There's times when I just want to run away from it all...I don't know, join the AirForce and just be by myself but then the thought of me being so alone and isolated scares me. I feel like the world is moving forward and I'm being left behind like a scared child in the dark. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be constantly thinking about how I'm not living life and spending sleepless nights just sullying way. Time and life doesn't wait for no one so why am I so scared?! At what point in my life did I become this way?! People say I'm smart and that I'm strong willed because I'm so good at hiding my insecurities but the truth is, I don't know myself at all.

This year should be about starting over and with the death of a friend/former co-worker in the midst of a paddling practice, I feel like I did when I found out Jade was gone -- a pitiful feeling in my stomach and the one song from Carrie Underwood I repeatedly play. Let God show mercy to those who need it and to save and grant salvation for the ones who truly ask for it whole-heartedly. I want to get my license. I want to become independent and help around the household. I can drive mother on her errand runs and I wouldn't mind doing so.